On My Mind

By Scot Richardson

*Hockey would be more fun to watch if it was played by retarded kids.

*Girls, you can be ugly, you can be prude, but you can’t be both.

*Do you think when God came into Mary, he yelled Jesus Christ and that’s how he got his name?

*Is there a hair club for bald eagles?

*Michael Jackson has bad taste in boys.

*The calendar is divided into months that have between 28 and 31days. Girls have period cycles that happen to vary between 28 and 31 days. Hmmm. Good thinking Calendar inventor. Easier to keep track.

*Politics decide the Oscars, but as soon as actors try to decide politics, that’s somehow bad.

*Michael Jackson vs. Saddam Hussein in a no holds barred cage match. Who says justice can’t be fun. Just an idea.

*Can you get carpal tunnel syndrome from masterbating?

* Are we picking our wars reverse alphabetically starting with I? Are we going to skip Hungary?

*Kobe Bryant is living proof of instant karma. If he had just been a little nicer to Shaq, that girl wouldn’t have told everyone about him raping her.

*Jamie Fox really does deserve the Oscar. He totally became that taxi cab driver taking Tom Cruise to kill people.

*Christina Aguilera got engaged before I did. That makes me feel dirty.

*If you bitched about how dumb FOX was for canceling Family Guy, you better be watching it now.

*I thought Jay-Z retired.

*What are male nipples for?

*If during the Super Bowl halftime show, Justin Timberlake had pulled off a plastic shield covering Paul Mcartney’s balls, I would not have believed it was a wardrobe malfunction.

*If you want to freak a bank teller out, just tell them that you’ll shoot them if they don’t give you all the money in their drawer.

*I can’t wait for "Desperate Househusbands: Miami"

*What if Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid hates apples?

*Why did people used to think that only drug dealers would need a pager? Aren’t there are a lot of people more important than drug dealers?

*A business idea: If you sell pot, why don’t you also sell donuts?

*I kept getting sent tons of spam from porn websites. And I don’t even like canned meat.

*Is it wrong to sell children on e-bay? I got a good offer from mjackson69.

*It’s not delivery, it’s Digiorno. Unless it is delivery. Then it’s not Digorno.

Scot Richardson is the head writer and executive producer of National Lampoon’s "The Gleib Show." Check out www.gleib.com