A Jew at Heart, a Christian During the Holidays.
By Scot Richardson

Growing up as a half Jew, half Christian was at the same time confusing and convenient. It meant not having to attend either church or temple as a long held truce between my parents. It also meant double the holidays, chocolate coins from my Jewish Grandmother and pepperoni pizza with my gentile dad. But as I got older I just naturally had to identify with one religion more then the other. The religion I chose was Judaism. It’s just a cooler religion. It doesn‘t recruit, condemn, or take anything too seriously. All things I appreciate in a religion. But I have to say, the religion needs an over haul in the Holiday department. Listen, I’m not trying to get anyone fired. I don’t know who runs the holidays for the Jews, so it’s nothing personal, but you’ve got to go. Chanukah. Nine different spellings, rotating dates that make time off difficult, crappy presents, a retarded top that stops being amusing at five years old, and no big meal! I mean for crying out loud. Let’s start in the beginning. Don’t spread a holiday out over a week. What are Jews trying to conserve the joy to make it last a whole week? Christians have one day and they make it last 3 months! Their Christmas publicity department does more for that religion in 3 months then the Jews entire publicity department does all year. Do religions have publicity departments? Whatever.

But the ass whooping doesn’t end there. They have Christmas TV specials, movies, carols, snowmen, Christmas trees, Christmas dinner, ugly sweaters, and FREEKIN Santa Claus for god sakes. Couldn’t we have thought of one cool tradition? An annual Hanukah “find the piece of gold in the pudding contest” or a hot model who comes to houses at night to deliver Chanuka presents to little boys regardless of if they were naughty or nice. Then Jewish kids could hold their heads up high after winter break. “What did Santa bring you?” they’d say, and little Jewish kids everywhere could say with pride…“I’m Jewish, so Missy Clause came on Hanuka and gave me a college savings bond. And while you were waiting to sit on Santa’s lap in the mall, I was drowning other kids in pudding while searching for treasure.” Ah…with a few small changes…what it could be to be a Jew.

Now I know my suggestions may be late for this coming holiday season…but you don’t chose when ideas or rocks hit you. But let’s not wait a whole year to get the J-train back on track. Lets have some heads roll in the Holiday department and fix things up quick. Because soon enough we’ll start seeing those GOD DAMN Easter bunny commercials and I want to be ready with Captain Passover. And no more hiding of one stupid Motza at Passover dinner. That’s insulting when our Christian friends got to spend an entire day outside searching for chocolate and colorful eggs. I want a full on Passover mission. I want maps, paintball guns, and moats. I have no idea what the religious symbolism could be for any of this stuff, but remember, that’s not what it’s really about. When it’s all said and done, religion is about faith, and the more fun something is, the more faith I have.
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah.

Scott is the head writer of “The Gleib Show” on the National Lampoon Network. You can check out the show and more writing on www.gleib.com.